Thursday, February 5, 2015
Dear Butterbean: Get Heard and Get Fed!
All I want is my breakfast and my parents are still asleep. I'm trying to tell them I'm hungry, but they just don't seem to get it.
How do I get heard and get fed? Help me, Bean!
Starving in Seattle
Dear hungry friend,
I'm quite familiar with this scenario, as is pretty much every cat in the whole entire world that's not able to feed freely. I've got some tricks with proven results that I would love to share with you!
First, it's important that you just annoy your humans, and not anger them. Be reasonable and don't expect breakfast to be served 3:00 AM - you won't get good results at that hour. Wait until 5:00 AM to begin waking them.
Start by walking the perimeter of the bed while meowing loudly. When you cross the pillows, step firmly, and huff dramatically. You can step on their hair, but not on their faces.
After five to six laps, stop and sit on your human, and give yourself a good bath. Then, do a few more laps, but this time, meow louder, then sit on their pillow, and swish your floofy tail across their face.
If you don't get results after these first steps, it's time to turn it up a notch: lick their eyelids, put your nose inside one of their nostrils, or bite toes. You can paw at their face too, but do keep your claws in.
If this doesn't work, solicit help from your little sister. It's much harder to ignore TWO hungry cats, than just one. Chase each other across the room and over the bed multiple times.
Encourage your sister to do the naughtier acts, so if the humans do get mad, they're not mad at you, they're mad at her. Get her to knock eyeglasses or jewelry off of the night stand, tip over water glasses, or chew on earbuds or computer cords. Make sure she just gnaws on them, and doesn't chew through. You don't want her to ingest anything or get electrocuted!
If they're not out of bed by this point, keep doing all of these things again, and again, and again until breakfast is served.